Some people asked me how Japanese Wedding is like, so I’d like to introduce Japanese culture and tradition for wedding. We have some traditional things for engagement like Yuinou (Shoukou and dowry), and wedding . Also i am going to write rules like Goshugi and outfit that you should know for attending wedding,
Marriage and Partnership System in Japan
I hate to say this, but same gender marriage is not allowed yet in Japan. Some cities/wards have their own system called “Partnership” but still the Japanese government officially did not make any changes yet. So here, I’d explain how it works traditionally (i’d say, old fashioned) for a man and a women.
I also would like to mention that this is what I know by researching, and through my own and my friends’ experience. There are always different opinions/ways for anything (especially, it might be very different on each area/region of Japan, and family).
Engagement
Do You Need a Permission From Dad?
Usually, in Japan, a guy doesn’t need to go get permission for proposal for his girlfriend’s father. After engagement, a man needs to go “meet” her parents with souvenir. The souvenir needs to be nice one.
This could be the first time for him to meet his girlfriend’s parents, since there are people who don’t introduce boyfriend/girlfriend to their family “casually”.
I introduced my “boyfriend” (now husband) to my parents before engagement, because he (American) wanted to meet my parents and also my parents were ok with that. Thinking about my friends, I’d say 20-30% of them introduce their partner to their family before their engagement.
Proposal
In Japan, we don’t have a culture that a person down on knee and pops the question. Most of my friends (Japanese + Japanese couple) proposed / was proposed with a word “will you marry me? (in Japanese)”, and got engaged at restaurant, hotel room, or home with a ring and/or roses and/or a cake, etc.
Yuinou
We have “Yuinou” which is an event that both family gathers, and they make “engagement” official.
Recently, not many people do this, but still 20% of people still do Yuinou according to the research. At least most of my friends from college did/do it.
Dowry
Groom’s family gives gifts for Bride’s family. It used to be Kimono, Obi (string), Sake, etc. before, now it became money.
It is for showing an appreciation for bride’s parents for raising her. About the amount, $10k for 56% of people, $10k-15k for 9%, $20k for 7% according to the research. But it also depends on how much they (bride’s parents) have spent on their daughter.
The more money the parents used (invested) on their daughter, the more money the groom’s family might offer.
Shukou Ryou
It used to be “Shukou” which are sake and food. But these days it is more common that Groom’s family gives money for Sake and food. Normally, it is 10% of dowry.
Cost of Having a Yuinou
You have Yuinou at very nice restaurant, and nice food. The average cost of having it is $1k.
Total Cost of Yuinou
- Dowry
- Shoukou Ryou
- Cost of having a Yuinou
If the dowry was 10K, Shoukou Ryou should be 1k, +1k for having a Yuinou = 12K.
Marriage System in Japan
Marriage Paper : Konin Todoke
You need to fill out a marriage paper called Konin Todoke, and hand in at city/ward office. If they confirm there is no mistake and accept it, ta-da! You are married!
*If you are not Japanese national, you need extra paperwork.. you should check it up on your country’s embassy website or etc.
No Vow Needed
As I wrote earlier, all you need to do to get married is filling out the paper and handing it in. No vow needed. Most of my friends got married officially (paperwork) first, and then started planned their wedding unless they had specific date/place they want to get married or have a wedding party = reception.
If You Get Married Outside Of Japan
If you are Japanese reading this, or your partner is Japanese, you need to do paperwork if you get married in another country.
Research and/or contact to the Embassy/Consulate General of Japan, do what you need to do. It usually says you need to do within 3 months, but you can still do after that.
Wedding Photo : Mae Dori / Ato Dori
A lot of people take their wedding picture pre/post wedding party. If they do it Mae Dori = pre-wedding photo shooting, they can use the picture on their wedding reception invitation and/or on decor at reception.
Mae = pre-
Ato = post-
Dori = Tori = Toru (V) = Taking (pictures) * in this case
Kimono Wedding Photography
We actually did “Ato Dori” = post-wedding photo shooting in Kimono in Kyoto!
Wedding Party as Host
In Japan, wedding is very big and formal event.
Style – Where / What to Wear
We have Japanese traditional style wedding and western style wedding.
Usually the Japanese wedding = Shinzenshiki is held at shrine, and groom and bride wear a Kimono. The western style wedding is held at chapel and venue, and they wear a suit and a dress.
These days, many people wear both which means they will change it into Kimono/dress at reception party.
Cost of Wedding
The average costs is $35k according to some studies. One of my friends paid $80k, and another paid $25k which is most expensive and cheapest i’ve heard from my friends.
Guest
Traditionally, the Groom can invite guy friends, and the Bride can invite female friends. However, I personally think it’s old fashioned.. I see my friends invite anyone they want regardless the gender. And I’d do that too.
And you cannot bring plus one when you go to the wedding as a guest. So you cannot bring your girlfriend/boyfriend, or fiance even to your sibling’s wedding unless a host (groom & bride) personally invite that person. These days, some people invite their friends as a couple. I also am going to attend to my friends wedding with my husband soon, because they invited both of us.
Rules as Guest at Wedding Party
Goshugi (Gift)
If you are invited to someone’s wedding, you need to bring Goshugi which is money in envelope.
The amount of money is very different depending on area, I’ve heard. But in Tokyo, $300 for friend, $500 for close friend, cousin, and sibling, $1,000 for your kid or grandkid. You shouldn’t go to the wedding without Goshugi in Japan. FYI, you don’t need to bring anything else like a gift.
You need to make sure the bills are new ( you can exchange it to new one at bank), the envelope needs to be for wedding, you need to write your name on envelope, bring it without any dirt on that.
*These days, there is a service “Online Goshugi” that guests can pay online before the wedding. You’ll be informed in that case from the host (groom&bride).
Outfit
About outfit, you need to wear something nice, usually semi-formal. Traditionally, you should hide your shoulders, knees, and decolte for women. And you need to wear pantyhose.
You don’t need to wear Kimono for Japanese traditional wedding unless any requests. Also you can wear Kimono for non-japanese style wedding either.
The best way is to ask the host what you should wear!
*Noted that Yukata is “casual wear” so you can NOT wear for wedding.
Manner
You need to be polite as always, so please find the groom’s and bride’s parents and tell them “Congratulation”.
Some people are doing everything in traditional way, others are not. So it depends on each person/family. The important thing is you should talk and try to know what the groom/bride wants for celebrating their marriage and helping them have the best day!
